We met on the most beautiful Summer night on record, I think, and started seeing each other shortly after. For fun only, we thought, no feelings. Until he walked into a bar for an after-work happy hour and I realized I loved him. Until he said “love ya” as he dropped me off at my car that same night.
I thought the next heartfelt thing I would be writing was a Christmas card to the most wonderful man in the world. The man who made me a better person; the man I wanted to start a life with; the man who made me believe in love again and that I was worthy of it.
But instead, here I am, writing the breakup letter I never wanted to write.
I’m not sure what to say except that I’m wrecked inside. Broken. Sad. I get up every morning and go be the badass chick that you fell for because I need to be, but when I lay my head down at night and think that I will never feel your arms pulling me close to you again, I am filled with sadness. I miss you terribly. More than I have ever missed anyone before. Sometimes I sleep in your t-shirt. Other times, I pull your pajamas out of your drawer and put them next to my pillow. They still smell like you and I know one day they won’t. That day will be like losing you all over again. Every night before I close my eyes, I whisper, “I love you, handsome. Come back to me.” I’m not sure why. But I know one day that will stop too, almost involuntarily, like how I stopped counting your days on and off work. It just happened.
The hardest part is all the memories, the glimpses into an everyday life that I wanted with you. Cooking dinner while you told me about your day and kept my wine glass filled; snuggling up on the couch watching very bad television; loving the way you played with the dog even when you didn’t want to; watching you put your pajamas on; lying in bed; the way you kissed me when you made love to me – like I was everything to you.
I thought this breakup was about us for a while. I know now that it’s not about us. I know you said those words, but I didn’t believe it. I am a woman that men don’t stay with, don’t keep because I am moody and difficult and demanding. I know my past experiences kept me from processing what you were trying to tell me and I thank you for being patient and persistent. And while I know you need to go get some things handled right now, it doesn’t make me any less sad about it.
So, since I have nothing to lose at this point, I’ll just be honest. I wanted you to be the one. You just loved me so perfectly, I thought I was living in a dream. You were sweet. Thoughtful. And more romantic than you realized you were. You still took my breath away 18 months later. You were worth changing my life for and your love inspired me to be the best me. You made my life fun again. You made me fun again. I think I almost annoyed you with all the compliments, but all of them were true. I never wanted to stop falling in love with you. I wanted to experience everything life gave me with you. I wanted all of you, every day, for the rest of my life.
I still believe in the notion of true love. And part of me still believes that you are mine. But part of me always thought that you wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to take the leap and be with me. That would mean creating a new life full of new habits and expectations. And, when you already know how to navigate the good and the bad in your life, is it worth it to start over? Is it worth it to walk into the unknown? It could be better, yes, but it could be worse, too. I just know that I would have done everything I could have to make our lives happy – but I doubt that would have been much. It was just so easy with us.
I used to tell you all the time that if you loved me, you would be here. And I believe that. If you truly love me and love the life we could have together – one I always thought would be full of fun, adventures, food, great sex, travel, and, of course, deep love and appreciation for each other – then I know you will find your way back into my life.
So, while most of this breakup letter is nothing but selfish on my part, here is my time to be selfless. I know that putting your family before me was probably really hard and it makes me love you even more. I know; insane. More than anything, I want you to show up at my door and tell me that I’m the one. But, really, I want you to be able to lay down at night and know that you made the right decision for you. Your happiness matters to me.
Please call me when you get your act together. I may have met someone new and amazing that I’m not willing to part with. I may be single. Who knows, I may even be remarried. That’s the chance you take when you let someone go.
But call me anyway. I’ll always pick up.